Elf

               

It goes without saying that the very premise of plonking a tirelessly jovial elf-man in NYC during the holidays creates endless comedic ammunition. 'Elf' genuinely makes me feel a little of the Christmas spirit.

It's a well balanced comedy, making what could have been a strong start to a lame body a solid film throughout (though with a little too much at the end). There are plenty of slapstick jokes for younger audiences mixed in with the slightly more adult ones, making the comedy work on a few levels ala 'Shrek'. The plot also juggles random sketch comedy scenes of Buddy interacting with New Yorkers, family bonding scenes with him and his father and half brother, work scenes with the father's job drama, and a romance subplot with a blonde Zooey Deschanel. While most comedies like this would either try for all of these and fail or miss a few out, 'Elf' keeps all these elements fairly well balanced and with the help of a solid cast the viewer should find it easy to like everyone.

               

                 

Everyone, that is, save those evil Central Park Rangers. I find the apparently universal understanding that they're evil to be hilarious, though I feel like I'm missing something here (and in several other places) as this is a very New York movie, with plenty of New York in-jokes (oh yeah, and I loved the Sasquatch recreation shot of Buddy on the news). The actual conclusion scene with Santa just happening to crash land in Central Park to be found by Buddy felt pretty contrived, and the whole singing for Christmas spirit climax was a little to sugary for me, but I forgive the film over all, as surely sickening sweetness is an integral part of this holiday?

                 

                   

It's a cute, endlessly good natured story brought to life by Will Ferrell and a strong cast, which basically rides on the stark contrast between Santa's North Pole elf village (the bizarrely unrealistic style of which I enjoyed) and the magical land of New York City, and does well for it.

                        

Elf: 57.4

Gremlins

               

What could easily have been a silly, enjoyable, yet forgettable film about cute fluffy creatures that become evil when fed after midnight turned out to be a minor classic. The extra layer of this cake is made partly of Reagan era consumerism commentary and partly of commentary on its own wider genre of kid friendly creep-out films and Spielberg blockbusters, and it's yummy. If you're in a stupid mood, though, you can scrape it off with your brain knife and just watch the film as a goofy comedy horror. What's rare about this one is that it works both ways, and much like things like 'Poltergeist' it's very much of its time and isn't the kind of thing that can ever be re-made, it's simultaneously timeless and as enjoyable now as I imagine it was on first release.

                    

                  

It's simply written and much of the acting is intentionally goofy, but I still think the human element was the weakest of the film. The characterisation was cartoonish, especially with the main character kid, the evil land lady, and the wacky inventor father. None of the characters are particularly complex or realistic, and the arc of those of them that possess one can be seen a mile off. 90% of this feels in keeping with the rest of the film though, and it mostly felt smart and self-aware rather than dumb and simple. Maybe 80%.

                   

              

After a deceptively slow burning first half, the second kicks it up a gear as the gremlins literally take over the whole town. It's fun seeing them smoke and drink and eat and watch films (they're crazy for 'Snow White'). The effects on the gremlins were fantastic; there was lots of detail and little movements. I was often struck by how un-puppet like they looked (the first time this happened was when Gizmo was pretending he was driving a car. Something about the way his movements flowed and the natural way he blinked. Anyway, there were times when they definitely did look like puppets too, but despite pushing it the film never makes them cross over into out-right sillyness. They were always creepy enough for that final death scene for Stripe to still somehow be alarmingly gory.

                         

Gremlins: 70.9

Krampus

                 

Well that was a pile of kramp. Nah, jokes, it was alright.

               

                     

This feels like it should have been made in the 80s or early 90s. It's not really my thing, but I'm glad that it was made. It's a solid horror for kids, with no gore but that doesn't pander to its audience. I was dreading seeing 'Krampus', as I was expecting it to be horribly campy, but (while humorous) the actors all play it straight, and there are never any little tongue in cheek moments. 

Immediately the film's in my good books, as we open with a montage of rabid shoppers and gormless shop workers. My good mood soon turned to genuine horror, though, as the story starts and we see how massive and gross this family is. It's the same feeling I get when watching something like 'Home Alone'. I've talked before about my dislike of family environments and the traditional Christmas where you all eat turkey and then sit around opening presents and singing carols or whatever. You know what I did last Christmas? I looked after a friends house, alone, with a huge pan of spaghetti bolognaise and two bottles of Champagne. Well, Cava, but you know.

                    

                     

That love interest guy from 'Parks and Recreation' is the dad in this, and the aunt is played by someone I recognise from somewhere too. This is the classic kid knows something's wrong situation (coupled with a hint of wise old lady), and it's pretty lame. The characters are somewhat compelling though, and I was engaged enough to not do that much else while watching it (I put it on intending it to be something I could write to, but ended up paying closer attention than I was planning). 

The movie starts off as the usual Christmasey crap, but gradually degenerates until Krampus is throwing kids into the yawning gateway to hell. I like this kind of increasingly bonkers plot ('GhostBusters', 'The Evil Dead', 'The Gate'), especially with this kind of throw-back film.

The creature design and host of practical effects were excellent, and overall I'd say that this film was very enjoyable. It's a rare find as most new horror films are one of many shades of shit, and that probably has something to do with the fact that it feels like it was made in the 80s.
           
Oh! I know where the aunt is from! The 'Fargo' series!

         

Krampus: 50.0

Jingle All the Way

                  

This is cinematic junk food, right here.

                  

The premise of 'Jingle All the Way' sounds about as terrible as any other stupid Christmas movie: a US suburban dad works too hard and misses his kid's play, or something. Then he makes a promise to the kid, and spends the rest of the film trying to keep said promise. There's also a dick neighbour who's trying to get with his wife, and a reindeer that's in this movie for some reason.

But then you find out that Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the lead role, and the whole thing takes on a new kind of twisted brilliance. Why isn't anyone questioning why this lawn furniture salesman is as buff as a terminator? Or has a really strong Austrian accent? Fuck you, that's why.

                  

                    

So lots of dumb crap happens - oh yeah, and the guy's kid is playsed by Lil' Orphan Annie, so that's brilliant - and then the movie ends with something heartfelt that.. I forget... what that was.

There was also some stuff about consumerism, but the film never seemed to know if it wanted to actually make a point about this or if it just wanted a reindeer to butt a man I the balls, and none of it really gelled, so I sort of didn't pay any attention to those parts.

Anyway, yeah. Fun and stupid. If it wasn't for Ahnold I wouldn't have enjoyed it, but because of him I really did. An example of as good a Christmas movie as there can really be, as far as I'm concerned.

                 

Oh yeah, and Sinbad's in this! Who could forget him?! EXCEPT FOR EVERYONE AND THIS IS WHY.

               

Jingle All the Way: 31.5

Black Christmas

                  

"Did you know - this is a very little known fact, but... did you know that there's a certain species of turtle that... there's a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days without stopping?"

                      

The origin of the slasher genre (as well as the origin of many of those tropes that have since become cliché - think 'Scary Movie', but original and actually scary) 'Black Christmas' is also probably my favourite slasher flick.

                   

"You don't believe me, do you? Well, I - I mean, how could I make something like that up? No, really! They just... three days, twenty-four hours a day - wha-voom! Wha-voom! Wha-voom! Can you believe that, three days? I'm lucky if I get three minutes!"

                      

It's low budget and minimalistic as far as sets and actors go (most of the film takes place in the same house, and there are a lot of (decent) no-names here), but this works well for slasher, and the POV shots for the killer are at first a good cheap hook, and then an effective technique - giving our stabby villain a nice air of mystery.

Oh yeah, talking of atmosphere, 'Black Christmas' pulls this off better than most modern horrors. The ticking of the clock during the first murder is particularly gripping, and the way that it's revealed to everyone that the call is, of course, coming from inside the house is excellently chilling.

                   

                   

The characters were cool too, if pretty damn cheesy. I like that the staff are all alcoholics – I particularly love Margot Kidder's character, and Marian Waldman blaming the cat for everything and hiding booze everywhere.

It's not perfect, obviously. I felt it sagged a little towards the middle, and I realise that it invented most of these clichés, but it really is full of them to the extent that you can predict the plot quite easily. That's not to say that the final twist wasn't good though, making it one of the best horror endings I've ever seen.

                    

"Do you know how I know this? Because I went down to the zoo and I watched them. It was very boring. Well actually, um, I, uh, didn't stay for the whole three days, I went over and I watched the zebras, because they only take thirty seconds! Premature ejaculation!"

                    

Black Christmas: 53.8

Scrooged

     

An entertaining yet slightly disappointing take on the classic Dickens story featuring Bill Murray in the leading role. I enjoyed it, and it was smoothly shot and acted, but some of it just felt a little off for me.

    

   

Murray's heart doesn't really seem to be in it, and his acting - while pretty darn damn goddamn fucking good by normal standards - isn't on par with his better work. Some of his exchanges with other characters just don't feel particularly real, and his angry shouting feels a bit too serious for what is meant to be, essentially, a comedy.

It's a bit on the dark side all round, really, and I think that would bother most people. I couldn't really care less personally, but then I share a fairly similar sentiment towards Christmas as he does. People literally die and stuff.

I did like plenty of aspects of 'Scrooged' though. The ghosts were all good (if extremely cheesy) - I especially liked the ghost of Christmas present: a fairy who swings back and forth between sugary sweetness and ass kickery. There were lots of nice little funny sequences, and overall the film held together nicely.

   

Scrooged: 41.3

Christmas with a Capital C

    

Apparently this puts the Christ in Christmas. It also puts the ass in Christmas.

   

   

It's a heavy handed comedy-drama about a dick who moves into a tiny village and tries to take it over from its Victorian god-fearing occupants. The message is that of course Christmas crap should be everywhere in December, and of course everyone should see a reenactment of childbirth in a barn in their local mall. America is a Christian country, damn it, and none of these small town patriots want anyone else's heathen stuff in their communal space.

Yeah, OK. I don't know about you, but I started feeling uncomfortable when the central protagonists' brother got up and started doing a speech about how ridiculous it would be to start putting up Jewish stuff, and then just starts mocking Kwanzaa. Come on guy, they're all as silly as your one.

Apparently this whole thing is a big deal in the US, being called the War on Christmas. People can actually sue one another over Christian shit in public spaces. I'm vaguely surprised this is an issue, but I'm even more... not surprised, exactly... that anyone cares. Everyone in this movie sucks. The mayor and his family is annoying and preachy, the baddy is an ass who's motivations aren't ever satisfactorily explained. The acting is either really bad, or a nice self-parody (which I doubt). The script slogs through speech after speech about why all religion is evil and the big city makes people mean, or why Christianity is the best thing ever and no one else should think anything, before eventually concluding the film by lazily wrapping up the villains hidden agenda and then having him randomly have a change of heart. There's also a teenage romance storyline that made me want to pull my eyeballs out and then put them in a public space and start worshiping them.

A crap, slightly fascist movie about the joys of a winter selling campaign set somewhere around the time that someone who probably existed was born a few thousand years ago.

    

Christmas with a Capital C: 6.1

Deck the Halls

      

Fuck me, is this every Christmas movie. I like cheese, but I prefer it to go in my mouth rather than forcing itself into my eyes and ears. This movie is cheese on toast. It's cheese on toast without the toast, it's melted cheddar on a raclette tray. That's not to say that there's anything European about it - it's all American suburbs and tasteless plastic reindeer. Huh, I honestly thought it was spelt "raindeer" until just now.

     

   

The characters are even more basic than my spelling skills, and with the exception of the two fathers, are almost comically two dimensional. Fat New Yorker is married to ditzy blonde, and Chess club president is married to characterless brunette. That's literally all you need to know. Danny DeVito is the New Yorker, but I'm not entirely convinced this is a good thing.

The husbands fight a battle over Christmas lights, which DeVito drapes over his house so that it can seen from space (you don't need the lights, guy, unless you mean with the naked eye - in which case good luck). It's depressing that it's all presented so light-heatedly, as these poor sad men ruin their families' Christmases - also depressing that their families care so much about Christmas. It all ends predictably happily, and there's an alright ice skate racing scene.

   

Deck the Halls: 11.9