Beware! Children at Play

                

Other than the shocker of an ending, 'Beware! Children at Play' is a somewhat banal horror that has serious acting and pacing issues. 

It's another Troma Team movie (these guys have a special place in my heart) and like many others, it's terrible. After a fairly interesting opening sequence (a guy and his kid are camping out in New Jersey, the man dies, and the kid eats him) the film slows down and quickly becomes boring. The kid is now a young man, and is completely feral and obsessed with stories of Grendel from Beowulf. He gathers a kids, which fall under his spell ridiculously easily, and goes around killing and eating adults. There are a few cool deaths, but too much boring exposition, until we reach the insane climax.

              

                 

All the kids get brutally massacred by the townspeople. Yep. Stabbed, shot, axed, pitch forked, macheted - one even gets shot in the mouth, and his brains splatter onto a wooden wall with a big smiley face on it. I loved it, and to be honest I was laughing and clapping for most of this scene. The gore isn't very well done, and the acting is terrible, but that makes for some fun moments. 

The surprise ending doesn't quite push this film into the “so bad it's good” category though, as the rest of the film drags so much and I never really liked, let alone connected, with any of the main characters. The script is lazy and boring, the footage quality and lighting is just generally bad, and the audio is impressively terrible (on the version I watched anyway).
                     

Beware! Children at Play: 24.7

The Believers

                       

I think I'm about as scared of Martin Sheen as I was of this movie. It starts like a family drama, moves into slasher thriller, then ends up packed with nonsense voodoo.

The transitions between these genres are nice and smooth though, lending the film a sense of eerie instability that works in it's favour. The mum dying right away did surprise me, and I liked the image of her standing there in the milk with coffee machine electricity running through her.

                    

                    

It wasn't particularly gripping or anything though, feeling somewhat bland throughout. The constant change in tone detracts from how memorable the film is, as all the different colours make brown when you mix them together. The cinematography was noteworthy, and the acting was fine but nothing special, other than Sheen and the cult leader, who was fun.

Very of it's time, but the plot moved along and kept me entertained. The voodoo stuff was silly and possibly mildly offensive, but I also found it sort of funny so that's fine. The ending was also too much like 'Hot Fuzz' for me to take serously. Oh and it wasn't actually that scary - it worked better as a thriller. But yeah.

                       

 The Believers: 29.9

Black Christmas

                  

"Did you know - this is a very little known fact, but... did you know that there's a certain species of turtle that... there's a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days without stopping?"

                      

The origin of the slasher genre (as well as the origin of many of those tropes that have since become cliché - think 'Scary Movie', but original and actually scary) 'Black Christmas' is also probably my favourite slasher flick.

                   

"You don't believe me, do you? Well, I - I mean, how could I make something like that up? No, really! They just... three days, twenty-four hours a day - wha-voom! Wha-voom! Wha-voom! Can you believe that, three days? I'm lucky if I get three minutes!"

                      

It's low budget and minimalistic as far as sets and actors go (most of the film takes place in the same house, and there are a lot of (decent) no-names here), but this works well for slasher, and the POV shots for the killer are at first a good cheap hook, and then an effective technique - giving our stabby villain a nice air of mystery.

Oh yeah, talking of atmosphere, 'Black Christmas' pulls this off better than most modern horrors. The ticking of the clock during the first murder is particularly gripping, and the way that it's revealed to everyone that the call is, of course, coming from inside the house is excellently chilling.

                   

                   

The characters were cool too, if pretty damn cheesy. I like that the staff are all alcoholics – I particularly love Margot Kidder's character, and Marian Waldman blaming the cat for everything and hiding booze everywhere.

It's not perfect, obviously. I felt it sagged a little towards the middle, and I realise that it invented most of these clichés, but it really is full of them to the extent that you can predict the plot quite easily. That's not to say that the final twist wasn't good though, making it one of the best horror endings I've ever seen.

                    

"Do you know how I know this? Because I went down to the zoo and I watched them. It was very boring. Well actually, um, I, uh, didn't stay for the whole three days, I went over and I watched the zebras, because they only take thirty seconds! Premature ejaculation!"

                    

Black Christmas: 53.8

The Den

             

Another interesting take on the found footage thing, 'The Den' is based around chat roulette site and creates a fairly believable horror despite a lot of it being somewhat run of the mill; especially the main characters, many of whom fall into the usual horror roles.

The premise of everything coming from a webcam (that was always very conveniently placed etc. - though this flaw wasn't as big big here as it is in many found footage films) was intriguing at first, but my interest started to wane towards the end, especially as the baddies' motives continued to go unexplained.

As the film came to a close though I was impressed by the final twist, which turned the whole thing into better social commentary than it was before. It felt kinda like a long 'Black Mirror' episode, though it struggled with pacing. I don't regret watching it though, and I recommend it. The anonymity of the villains ends up working in their favour, as it doesn't really matter who they are, just that they are at all.

               

                  

It was a little odd watching the whole thing on a laptop, as I had other windows open working on other shit, while the film itself featured almost continuously the screen of a computer with a load of windows open. They all use macs though – ew.

Oh yeah! And it was a nice surprise for this movie not to be about ghosts. My heart sank when that cupboard monster popped up, but I was prooved happily wrong when it turned out to be a prank.

                       

The Den: 46.7

Pandorum

                      

I feel similarly about 'Pandorum' as I do about 'Event Horizon'; they're good concepts, and I love sci-fi, but they just don't really work as movies. It's difficult to put my finger on exactly what I think didn't work. Maybe it was that the character reasoning often doesn't quite make sense, or that a lot of the movie seems like pointless running around. Maybe it's that while there was a fairly meaty background story to get into, we were never really allowed to because of the relentless jump scares and running. Maybe it was the essentially derivative plot (though to be fair it's difficult to do make a satisfying sci-fi plot that hasn't sort of been done somewhere else is one form or another - I have personal experience of this). Whatever it is, the movie doesn't fully work - but there were plenty of good points too.

                

                       

The acting for one, which I thought was fairly fantastic overall. The central cast certainly held up, and honestly I think they deserved more attention from the cameras. The sets were also fine, if nothing new. The waking from cryo scene was particularly good, and really made me feel confined. The rest of the film brings this feeling back several more times fairly effectively. The actual plot was something of a hodgepodge of sci-fi tropes, but was a gripping enough mystery to keep my attention.

The creature effects on the Morlocks were eh, to be honest. I mean they were fine, but they weren't very scary. Nothing in this film was, come to think of it, which could be seen as a bit of a problem. The atmosphere was often nicely gripping though, though the remorseless tension may tire viewers out rather than keep them enthralled. The movie simply doesn't pause for air often enough.

The final twist/s were quite nicely done, though the actual ending came off as limp. I'd suggest watching this if you're a big sci-fi fan, and a fan of this kind of Alien-esque movie in particular. Otherwise don't bother. It was better than I thought it would be though, given the low scores it got elsewhere. Possibly an underrated movie.

                         

Pandorum: 39.8

Child's Play

                  
Wormtongue gets hit by lightning, turned into a Jack Nicholson doll, moves around too much to be remotely scary, goes on fire, the end.
               

         
I mean, there are more movies but... I don't know man, I need some time. I'm 99% sure that this was intentionally funny, but if it wasn't then this is amazing. Since it clearly is though, it's just sort of crappy. The main character is a child, so we're off to a good start. The doll has no actual supernatural powers other than being able to move about and stuff, so all the scares have to come from that. This is interesting for a moment, but very quicky becomes goofy, and the extended shots of the doll stropping around calling the mother a bitch are pretty hilarious.
As a comedy it doesn't quite work either though, as it's a little too self-serious and the pacing stretches scenes that have potential into tiring slogs, broken up by pointless dialogue and filler.
                     
It's a bit of a cult classic, and I'm not sure it deserves that. Nope.
                      

Child's Play: 24.9

Kill Bill: Volume 1

      

One of the most relentlessly violent and bloody films I have yet to see. There are few contenders, though the South Korean 'Thirst' springs to mind. The 'Kill Bill' series is Tarantino at his most comically gory, it's in the territory of comic book heroes and villains, and everyone fights to the death and is decapitated in showers of blood.

         

         

There is no letup, no scene where the viewer can feel safe. For many it's likely a somewhat difficult movie to watch for this reason, but where 'Thirst' triumphed and where 'Kill Bill' failed to some extent is that I found myself getting bored of it. It's sort of like watching a 'Saw' film, but one that's nicely written and brilliantly shot. It's shocking, but it ended up just sort of bumming me out. And I think that's because nothing changes, other than an escalation of gore and the blood content. Where 'Thirst' continued to build on our character's personalities throughout the hardship, we get most of the feelings out of the in the beginning of 'Kill Bill', before moving on to the continuous slaughter.

That's not to say that this was a bad movie - it wasn't, it's just probably my least favourite Tarantino movie. It does a lot of things excellently though, and it does a good job of making the bride be one of the most badass (and I'm been sick in my mouth a little just uttering that word) characters of all time. And she is, right? After all she's been through, and in her yellow jumpsuit with a black go faster stripe.

                 

                    

The movie heavily pays homage to the classic samurai revenge flicks, and follows their same basic structure. The style is beautiful, hinting at just about every classic martial arts movie without directly ripping any of them off. There's even an animated sequence (no less bloody than the rest of the movie, despite featuring a child as it's main character). The swords and the swings and the sprays of blood are presented so artfully, it's violence porn in it's purest form, and you can clearly see the love that went into creating every little detail. Even if it's not for me, it's an excellently crafted movie, and not only for being one of the best homages to eastern cinema that I've ever seen.

The gore links the samurai action in with a more traditional Tarantino style, as victims are left dismembered yet still moaning and alive (the scene with that aid who had both her arms cut off was particularly difficult to watch) have definite flavours of films such as 'Reservoir Dogs' and 'Django Unchained'. People aren't just dying horribly, their surviving horribly and moaning about it loudly. The filming techniques manages to retain the quirky Tarantino style too, even as it plays partially into your basic samurai revenge style. There are lots of little quirks which help to explain things to us in ways that could be seen as cheating if they weren't pulled off so majestically. It's difficult to explain, but it's a little like reading the blue prints of the movie as you watch it. A great example of this is the see-through car boot letting us see the hostage in the beginning of 'From Dusk till Dawn', and another is when Mia draws a magical square (its actually a rectangle, which always bothered me) in the air in 'Pulp Fiction'. Add to this little weird uses of sound and music like when the Ironside Siren sound plays ridiculously loudly whenever she sees a target.

I didn't hugely enjoy it personally, and I haven't bothered seeing the second installment yet (at the time of writing), but I do appreciate that this is an excellently put together piece of cinematography, and a worthy addition to the Tarantino series. It feels somehow less real than his other movies, and I think I even saw somewhere that the 'Kill Bill' series are actually movies in the Tarantinoverse, which would make sense as they do sort of feel like they could be the sort of crazy-ass fiction that would fit in with that crazy-ass world.

     

Kill Bill: Volume 1: 77.2

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

    

Damn, do I like bell bottom jeans. For some reason I think they're the most attractive leg thing a girl can wear. Hitchhiking's good too. Did you know that in Cuba people are employed to help flag down cars for hitchhikers? And that government vehicles have to stop for people? Neat, huh?

Anyway, this might spook you out of picking up hitchhikers for a while. I did enjoy the crazy, stabby, self-harming, picture-taking guy though, and thought the scene with him was probably the most effectively tense in the whole movie. Overall though I was underwhelmed. To have such a reputation I'd have expected a little more gore, or something. As it is there are just lots of tense scenes that don't all work, lots of screaming, and a little pointless character building. And that bit where she jumps out of the window? Just drop the chainsaw on her, guy! Havn't you seen 'American Psycho'?

      

     

I guess not. It is the 70s after all. I guess I should cut it some slack. It's undoubtedly a classic, being an early example of the usual group of stupid teens thing. It's dated, but still effective (if not at delivering actual scares, then at least at building up an atmosphere). The acting is good, and many of the shots are very imaginative. There doesn't seem to be any particular purpose to any of it, beyond tormenting us and the teens as much as possible. The... uh... dysfunctional family's motives aren't even explored, though their personalities are filled out quite well. The ending is definitely well done, it was jarring in the best sort of way - and what is up with Grampa, anyway? Is he a Sith?

Almost in spite of itself, it has become one of the giants of horror. It is definitely better than many other movies of the genre, but personally I didn't particularly enjoy it. Plenty did though. Fair dues.

   

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre: 46.8

You're Next

      

Ah the old movement sensors, such a classic. We open with a disturbing sex scene and as we get straight into violent action I realise that the movie's pulling a cold open. Didn't feel sorry for gross shower guy anyway, but the sound here is great. The music fades and wavers away as a tense drone increases in volume, and it's all quite nicely shot. The bloody message looks good (if I wrote a message on a wall in blood to someone I was going to kill, I'd spend far more time trying to get the font just right - and it would be serif).

Then we proceed into the more drawn out main characters, who consist of a couple and their son, who's bringing his girlfriend to meet them in a massive second house (urgh) in the country. Someone's obviously in the house, but they don't worry too much about it, and then a bunch of other siblings turn up. We quickly discover that they suck, in fact I don't particularly like anyone, not even the main character couple (I'm so glad I'm an only child. The worst you have to worry about when you're an only child is growing into a pretentious arse or never learning how to share - oh. Damn). Most of this movie is just one big encouragement not to procreate, or to at least keep it a little more controlled than the seemingly endless piles of young adults that are running about in this. At least they provide the interestingly masked killers plenty of red shirts. God I wish they'd hurry up though, as all these cardboard cutouts of characters do is shout at each other and then complain about it. Thankfully someone heard me, and soon they're being peppered with crossbow bolts (though if anything this makes them more noisy).

    

  

After a fair start, the movie quickly goes downhill for me, thanks to an almost comedically annoying and badly written set of characters. There are several nice shots, and the use of sound is effective throughout (I especially liked the weird 60's sci-fi movie music used occasionally), but for the rest of the movie I struggled to stay interested. The first twist is alright, though I had been suspecting those two for a while (honest) but the second twist was better, though it resulting in a sort of pointless ending. There were also a few lines worthy of a chuckle:

    

"Would you just die, already? This is hard enough for me!"

    

"We never do anything interesting."

"I don't think that's a fair criticism."

"Fuck me next to your dead mother then!"

    

But overall the movie ended up being fairly meh. Not bad for a slasher, though.

    

You're Next: 35.2

Maniac

  

This has now trumped 'Inglourious Basterds' as the most scalping I've ever seen in a movie. Elijah Wood plays a psycho who murders women and then scalps them (occasionally the other way around) and then collects the scalps which he affixes to the heads of mannequins. Somewhat contrived past emasculation and childhood trauma are revealed gradually in his backstory, giving us a reason for his quirks. His is quite a well imagined character, and the way that his past is drip fed to us feels far more natural that the info dump that is too often used.

This is the 2012 remake. I've never seen the original, or any of the other series of remakes over the last hundred years, but I doubt I will any time soon, as I'm rarely in the mood for basic slashers unless they happen to be on TV.

 

 

Woods is the only actor who really stands out, but that's probably because he was seriously good in this role. He should get more work, really (and Sean Astin should get far more, as he's awesome. In fact, he should have got an Academy Award for best supporting actor, never mind a Saturn).

It's a dark, jittery movie. It's style mirrors the killer's frame of mind well, and the first person shooting style is fairly interesting, if not totally original. The scares are tension orientated and their success (and they are, mostly, successful) is closely linked to the film's neat timing and the pacing of each scene. The writing is alright. There is little subtlety so it relies on Wood's excellent delivery.

A fine slasher with neat gore effects and enough depth as to suppress boredom, 'Maniac' lives up to it's name, without being too cliched.

 

Maniac: 36.8