Independence Day: Resurgence

                     

Looks like getting invaded by aliens was the best thing that ever happened to Humanity. After they get rid of the aliens in the first one world peace is achieved as everyone works together to cannibalise alien tech to defend their planet against future attacks. It's basically 'Star Trek' future, but then more aliens come to fuck it all up again. 

            

                   

I actually liked this one more than the original. It was more fun - but not intentionally so. While the original was bad, this one edged into being so bad it's good occasionally. The feeling wasn't consistent though, and about 80% of the movie was only so that that it was... bad. 

The characterisation was still extremely basic and bland, and just like in the original there was too much jumping around between disperse characters for my liking (I like this more in novels or TV shows that have more time to tell their story, but in a movie it really just results in under-developed characters that we don't care about). Most of the original cast stuck around for this one, but Will Smith , and I'm not complaining, but that and the focus instead on a group of young pilots meant that there was no real main character to focus on. 

I liked some of the funny moments though, and some of them were even intentional! The Whitehouse narrowly escaping destruction was cute, and the scene of Judd Hirsh driving his little boat along with massive tidal waves and explosions going on around him was hilariously bad. Another such moment was that 'Red Tails' level scene where the guy in the plane recognises his stripper-come-doctor mother on the top of a hospital building amid the total destruction of the whole city in time to see her fall to her death. 

Brent Spiner is back, and I really enjoyed him. “We're gonna get you to sick bay” was a highlight, and his character was fun throughout.

                   

                     

In the end though, there was too much happening in not enough time. I liked a lot of the elements, or I at least liked the idea of them, but everything was under-explored. This stretched out would have made a fun, silly, TV series.

                  

Independence Day: Resurgence: 36.4

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

             

Do you remember STAR WARS? So does Disney! 

             

“Lets just get this over with, shall we?” 

               

Holy fan service Batman, this sure did have a lot of things from 'Star Wars' in it. I don't know why “you'll be dead” guy or R2 and C3PO were even in this, those bits were weird and a little embarrassing. 

So after a pretty strong start with 'The Force Awakens', Disney started safe with their stand alones, keeping 'Rogue One' full of references to the original series, and bringing back loads of characters us losers will recognise. So much so that 'Rogue One' ended up feeling like a prequel (didn't they make a cartoon series about this, or something?). The problem with prequels is: did this story ever really need to be told? Well, no. I mean it's art, which (arguably by definition) is unnecessary, but as with the case for any story it's the way that it's told that matters.

         

         

There are two clear routes that this film could have taken, as far as I'm concerned. This could have been a fun spy/heist movie (Like 'Oceans 11' or... 'Mission Impossible' - hey I said “fun”, not “smart”) where a rag-tag group of rebels infiltrate the Death Star, maybe impersonate an officer or something, have to crawl around in ventilation shafts and dupe someone into helping them in some overcomplicated way. In this world wise cracking robots and silly references and cameos would feel at home. I wouldn't take the film seriously, but I'd enjoy it a hell of a lot more. 

The other route would have been a darker brooding war drama with real, relatable characters that you build an emotional connection with. It could be set from a very limited perspective, we don't see any of the big players, just the horror and tyranny of the Empire at work. You could even have a sort of 'All Quiet on the Western Front' moment where one of our protagonists find out that there are real people under those storm trooper masks, and that they're just as scared and confused as the rebels. Or they could do a 'Full Metal Jacket' and start us off in a makeshift rebel (or Imperial) boot camp, where we follow a group of green cadets through training and into the field. Or do both and make the movie three hours long. Hell, I don't know.

            

             

But Mickey Mouse is a greedy bugger. He tried to have his Vader-cake and eat it too, and now he's obese and vomiting it up onto children. The characters lacked any depth and so of course I didn't care (or even notice, a few times) when they died. The cameos and references to the original series were so frequent and transparent that it quickly felt lazy. At the same time, the amount of violence and death (of EVERY main character) means that this'll be a difficult film for little kids to enjoy, because little kids are pussies. 

So the target audience seems to be 30-35 year old fat guys with beards, who orgasm when they see ATATs. That's fine, I have nothing against them, and it's certainly a great 'Star Wars' fan movie.

                    

                 

Disney played it too safe with 'Rogue One'. What we should be seeing at this point is some real innovation, something of a completely different style and tone to the rest of the series. 'Star War' has never been the most serious thing, so I think at this point I'd be making gory 80s style horror films set in the same universe, or artsy stuff. I don't know, just something to shake the universe up and establish these supposedly stand alone films as being properly separate. 

I didn't hate the film, it just didn't live up to expectations. If it wasn't a 'Star Wars' movie it would just be a strangely structured forgettable sci-fi. I didn't feel anything for the characters, but the action was all fine. The dog fighting at the end was particularly exciting and well shot (this director has a great sense of scale that I've noticed in things like his 'Godzilla'). What everyone talked about was the cartoon Tarkin - I didn't actually hate him. It wasn't perfect, but it was fairly impressive and they kept him mostly in the dark. It was a very Lucas-esque move, testing new effects tech in his movies, for better or worse. The Leia shot at the end was on the nose though. Too obviously fake, it pulled me out of the film and muddied the ending.

               

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story: 67.1

The Mummy

                     

I think everything apart from Boutella sucked about this film.

                    

Tom Cruise is a thief. He stole... he tried to steal a ring, or something. And then he sort of stole that dagger at the end. I mean he grabbed it, anyway. He didn't steal my attention though. He was a bad choice of lead for this. That and the writing, which is devoid of nearly any wit, resulted in a hugely bland movie. So it's no fun (what I was expecting, considering the 90s 'The Mummy') but it isn't smart or scary either. Lets talk about why it isn't any of those things.

                 

                    

So, fun: now and then it feels like it's trying to be 'Indiana Jones' (running around with explosions at the start, that bit where he shoots the rope to do the thing, stuff like that), but it feels kinda weird when they're fighting Daesh. If this is Indiana Jones, these guys are the Nazis. Since it's current it felt awkward in the movie though, as the real life extremists fought fantasy American guy. The comic relief was almost soley in the hands of Nick from 'New Girl' (wasn't he in 'Jurassic World' too?). I like the actor, but he doesn't work for this and the writing is terrible, so none of the jokes landed. He dies later on, then they 'An American Werewolf inLondon'-ed him for the rest of the movie, only to bring him back to life randomly at the end. On top of all of that we had to open with Daesh shooting up a statue (of Ugallu? He had a lion head anyway - I'm not that hot on ancient Mesopotamia), which sort of pissed me off and left a bitter taste in my mouth that distracted me for the next half hour (art destruction is something of a pet peeve of mine, the older the more so).

How wasn't it smart? Well I wasn't expecting it to be (none of the other iterations of 'Mummy' movies have been), so it goes without saying that it was massively historically inaccurate. They were really laying on the 'Last Crusade' with the focus on crusader knights, and I didn't see any reason for them to move from Media to England so fast (if at all), but then I don't see why the whole thing couldn't have just been set in Egypt, so. The dialogue was far from smart - most of it was either stating the obvious or going over things, and the plot was predictable and mindless.

                   

                    

What was the last one? Scary? Yeah, it wasn't scary. I liked the mummy lady though (I don't think I ever fail to mention when Sofia Boutella is in a lead role): she was pretty and her tattoos were nice - also being the living receptacle of Set sounds like fun.

                  

The Mummy: 29.9

Congo

                 

Something that starts as a your predictable evil monkey horror film takes an odd turn halfway through the first act as it starts introducing new character after new character (first the scientist and his talking ape, then the creepy European adventurer, Ernie Hudson, the list goes on). The result is a convoluted mess that lurches from action sequence to action sequence without much actual story.

              

              

The characters were laughably two dimensional. You're lucky if you get a cliché outline, basically, and then there's no development to speak of (even for the leads). The same goes for the depiction of the host of central African countries featured, which are made light of is a simplistic and vaguely offensive way throughout.

There are way too many unrelated dangers brought on one after the other, and the whole thing is played way too goofy. If it was self-serious and the budget was a little lower it could have fit into the “so bad it's good” category, but as it was it was too unintentionally cringey to be enjoyable. A full description would sound far more fun than the actual film turned out to be. It carried itself along at a decent pace, but that's just about all that can be said for it.

                 

Congo: 27.6

Kong: Skull Island

                          

This could have worked as either a more serious film or as a sillier one, but it walks the line between the two, and walks it awkwardly. I could see where they were going with the silly B movie elements, but they contrasted jarringly with the violent deaths and Vietnam scenes, and the characters themselves often didn't seem to be taking the situation seriously enough. 

The human characters were boring and simple. They usually had some bland background that's gotten out of the way quickly and really just lets us know if they're going to end up dying rather than making us care about them. It's a shame, because where are several great actors here, and they've gone to waste for the most part. There were too many characters too - especially the endless soldier guys, but also the confusing multiplicity of main characters. There were also a few dull exposition scenes that I feel could have been worked into the story a little better.

               

                 

Don't worry though, everything else I've going to say will be positive. The action was pretty great. It was well staged with good effects, and the camera didn't jump around or wobble as much as it could have. There were some really nice shots actually, mostly of the island or Kong wading through water or the Vietnam style helicopter/explosions/shades imagery. 

Unlike all other King Kong movies (that I can think of at present) this one actually stayed on the island the whole time - always my favourite part of the story. This is clearly a set up for a sequel (possibly fighting Godzilla? Kong gon' get his ass beat), but I forgive it as the film still works as a sort of Jurassic park style get off the island story.

               

            

Fun and flashy, with imaginative monsters and interesting well shot action, 'Kong: Skull Island' lacks much depth, but this likely doesn't matter for true big monster fans.

                          

Kong: Skull Island: 41.1

Jack the Giant Slayer

                   

For something that could have easily been pointlessly dark version of a classic fairy tale, or a 'Lord of the Rings' ripoff (which it kinda is a bit, but oh well) 'Jack the Giant Slayer' was a fairly successful, if cheesy and uninspiring, take. 

The tone was good, and balanced lightness and wit with the more serious scenes well. The story is simple, as we follow a classic farm boy hero type and learn about our surroundings with him. Jack wasn't turned into a super hero, thankfully (I was worried he'd end up doing flips from one giant to another, stabbing them in the ears and shit - kind of a 'God of War' deal). He often takes a back seat to other characters who share the heavy lifting (like Ewan McGregor, who's giving a questionable performance here).

                   

                      

The last forty minutes were pointless though. I'd have cut the big battle scene and had it end where the protagonists are escaping giant country. Then maybe have the lead giant discover the beans as a little teaser scene for a possible second movie. The fight at the end felt needlessly 'Lord of the Rings-ey', but more colourful, and the contrasting themes began to fall apart here.

                 

Other than that though it was a fair movie with a likeable cast and an entertaining story.

                   

Jack the Giant Slayer: 42.8

The Black Hole

        

Hey, Disney made a 'Star Wars' movie! No, not those 'Star Wars' movies - this is 1979. Remember 'The Black Hole'? Oh right, well I'm going to be talking about it for the next 375 words anyway. 

                    

So our main characters are on a little exploration ship, and they find this big lost ship on the edge of a black hole. It's controlled by a mad scientist, and there are lots of annoying robots everywhere.

The main one was the worst. It was obviously meant to be the R2 character, but the attempts at cuteness were just irritating. The script was also impressively bad, with characters often making laughably obvious statements or musing pointlessly on boring subjects. The actual acting wasn't so bad, but was often bland. There was never really a main character, other than the wacky scientist guy, and I never really cared about any of them. 

             

                     

The plot progressed weirdly slowly sometimes (why such a long setup and dinner scene?) then at other times kicked into high gear and stopped making much sense (so after twenty uneventful years, a whole storm of meteors come to fuck up the ship just as the protagonists are trying to escape?). A lot of stuff just randomly happens for no apparent reason too, like that whole bit at the start where they were having so much trouble docking, or the target shooting match the robot had with that other robot that then never shows up again. This whole film could have been half an hour long and would be far more interesting for it. 
The effects weren't terrible for the time and the budget, and I liked the design of the big ship's interior and the swirling of the black hole itself (though it didn't look very scientifically accurate, but then little was in this film). Some of the shots were downright beautiful, though often kinda goofy (as an example see the picture I used for this review. Looks cool, huh? Yeah, well that's a meteor, which broke into the ship and then rolled along inside it...) I feel like this should have been adapted into an episode of 'Star Trek' or something (maybe have the main characters be an away team that can't beam back for some reason, but who then escape back to the Enterprise on the probe ship or whatever - maybe have Brent Spiner as the mad scientist), but it was just about passable as a children's sci-fi adventure.

                       

The Black Hole: 30.1

Hunt for the Wilderpeople

                

Offbeat without being cutesy, with a great cast. It's another winner from Waititi.
               
The story concept isn't exactly ground breaking - a gruff older guy is gradually melted by a kid. Sort of like 'Up', actually, but the dogs don't talk. It's an original take though, and the good-natured feel of it is so strong that it would carry the film all by itself.

          
                    
The location helps a lot with this, affording the movie a certain (sorry for using this word, it's not a word anyone should ever really say) quaintness. Sorry, New Zealand. There are plenty of in-jokes, many of which I probably didn't even pick up on, and the contrast between city and bush upbringing gives the two main characters something more to bridge, without it feeling artificial.
I'm not saying this is a masterpiece, it's not perfect. The unrealistic wandering narrative occasionally felt facile as it crossed over into being ridiculous rather than just quirky. The film also sags a bit in the middle (oft a problem with comedies), but I got the impression that it came from a very honest place, and I respect that.

                   

Hunt for the Wilderpeople: 67.9

Explorers

            

'Explorers' isn't a total 'ET' clone, but it is in the same genus. It's head and shoulders above all the other kiddy crap of that year (1985) though, as the actors are actually really great (River Phoenix, Ethan Hawke, Jason Presson - I particularly liked Presson's character, who seemed to be drunk all the time and casually referred to his semi-abusive home life without it ever being addressed.) and the script is often genuinely funny. It's not really my thing, and I never saw it as a kid, but I see that it is good.

The plot basically goes that they figure out a way to program a magical ball that they can use as a vehicle (by way of smart kid and magic alien dreams). They then piss around with said balls for a while, before getting their shit together and going off into space, where they are picked up by a pair of aliens who turn out to be children who have effectively stolen their parent's car. They end up being sent home, and then they have another dream in which the main character somehow gets the girl - the ending is a little fuzzy.

The whole third act felt a little rushed actually, and the pacing within it was off. They spend ages running around pointlessly on the alien ship (and getting touched up by a big spider robot) only to meet the aliens and then... nothing really happens. We stay with the aliens long enough for them to annoy me (the male one mostly just does impressions, and the female just flirts creepily with smart kid), and then it's back to Earth.
                 

                   

I'd rate the first two thirds about 15 points higher than the last one, because the first section felt much more grounded. It was still fantasy obviously, as they were flying around in the ball and stuff, but the fact that it was happening on Earth (spying on a girl, messing with bullies, evading cops) made it more thrilling, I'd say. The end was fine I guess, it just felt incomplete and bored me a little. The practical effects on the aliens were pretty good though, as were the ship interior sets (some nice matte paintings).

              

Explorers: 48.5

About Scout

                                   

These road trip get to know each other quirky suicidal teens thing is feeling a little played out now. I really liked 'Little Miss Sunshine', and I REALLY liked 'Donnie Darko' (which I feel had just the right amount of this feeling mixed in with sci-fi and creep-out horror) but 'About Scout' feels a bit on the nose.

The strengths here are the character actors, who all perform well and have a nice chemistry with one another. I didn't even find the little girl that annoying. However their backgrounds are only skimmed over to the point where we can identify what flavour of character trope they are, before they're thrust together for wacky races.

               

                 

There are also plenty of plot holes, jumps in logic, and many weird choices are made by the characters that don't really make sense on close inspection. It edges dangerously close to 'Juno' levels of cutsey quirky crap now and then too.

It was basically fine though, the sisters were cute together and I liked the guy (though that might just be because he reminded me of lots of other characters that I like – his back story was never really gotten into in any meaningful way, beyond an opening scene and a few 'The Great Gatsby' references).

                       

About Scout: 37.0

Sausage Party

                           

Wow, isn't this a groundbreaking film? Who's ever heard of a cartoon for adults? It's hilarious - because they swear so much - and best of all, they make such clever philosophical points!

                            

               

The above is an example of sarcasm, 'Sausage Party' is none of these things. It's not bad, and I laughed a couple times, but only a couple times. It's basically the clip in Simpsons of the movie “Condiments” made by “Mixar”. They even used the same horseradish-as-a-horse gag in this one. Most of the humour is either ridiculously broad and predictable or just food puns, though there are other elements too.

Such as the... political commentary? I'm not sure what to call it, but it's sort of what 'South Park' would be like if Trey Parker and Matt Stone both had strokes and then stopped watching the news. The crap about god not existing was similarly heavy handed and obvious, and it just repeats this shit over and over as if the film expects us to be eiher too dumb to pick up on it, or find it really amusing. It's kind of like 'Iron Sky' in that regard – the Nazis aren't an interesting target any more, this isn't 'The Great Dictator'. Maybe they're still a taboo subject in Finland/Germany/Australia (no shit, that's what the film is listed as being from), and maybe god is still a taboo subject in the US... Well, I guess maybe it is, actually, but now I just feel sorry for Americans - this isn't making me like this film any more.

                   

                      

They should have just kept it a shamelessly dumb stoner comedy. My reaction then would have been “heh” rather than active annoyance. Whatever, the douche was kinda funny.

                

 Sausage Party: 24.3

Europa Report

                         

Now here's a sci-fi that actually has some science in it. 'Europa Report' isn't anything groundbreaking, but I did find it very watchable. It used a limited budget well, and rarely became unbelievable. I also quite liked the filming style (though the bit where one guy was recording the rest of the crew with a handheld was pretty cliché). Found footage-type films actually make sense in this setting, as there are cameras all over the place on ships which don't just tell the story effectively, but often capture some beautiful shots in an often very confined feeling film. This contrast is referenced, and is present throughout, but is never fully explored in the movie.

                  

                 

The plot was formulaic and fairly predictable, and the characters were nothing particularly interesting, but the whole found footage documentary thing kept it feeling fresh, and there were several twists in the plot along the way. The time jumps were somewhat confusing if you weren't paying attention to the little date thing at the bottom, but were a nice way to reveal that guy's death and how it caused the other's freak-out episode.

I was disappointed by the aggressive alien creature conclusion, but not surprised - it's an American movie. The build-up is good, at least, and the director builds tension and combines it with the natural claustrophobia of their environment very well. I like that they actually held on a couple still frames of the alien at the end, too. It was both different and in keeping with the documentary premise.

                     

Europa Report: 67.0

Cowboys & Aliens

                  

'Cowboys & Aliens' is just about as goofy as it sounds, which is not an entirely bad thing.

                

Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford lead as two gunslingers who you'd normally expect to be the arch rivals of the film, but the big subversion here is that they end up teaming up against a bunch of gold-hungry aliens.

The cast is excellent, and Craig and Ford are particularly fantastic. Honestly, I would have preferred a straight western with the two of them, because the sci-fi element was... not so good. The director just couldn't juggle the different elements, and the tonal shift between western and sci-fi is often jarring. I don't particularly like the design of the alien tech, or the aliens themselves, either. It's fine, but nothing new or very interesting, and their motives are just terrible.

             

                   

Watching it, I couldn't help but try and imagine how the plot would have played out if the aliens had never showed up. I feel like that would have been a far more satisfying movie. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoyed watching this one, and it held me attention - I just had to get past the inherent silliness of the story. I really did enjoy the leads though, and would recommend this to anyone wanting something that you don't have to pay much attention to.

                     

Cowboys & Aliens: 45.7

The Maze Runner

                   

A poorly executed, generic teen fantasy-drama. Kind of like 'Harry Potter', but done worse. Kind of like 'The Hunger Games'.

              

                  

Nah, 'The Hunger Games' were alright, if terribly scripted - but with the toilet paper source material, I don't blame them for that. This film (I say “film” singularly, as I won't be continuing with the series) suffers from the same problem, I suspect. I almost wouldn't be surprised if the source material had pictures and a size 20 font.

So there are a bunch of kids trapped in a big maze with spiders, and they want to get out and then it turns out it was all the naughty grown up's fault. That's about it. There's a vague attempt at making it all sci-fi-ish, but the world is fleshed out so poorly that I don't even care to know the how the cliffhanger is resolved in the next one.

The effects were alright, and some of the acting was good. Much of the cinematography was downright nice, as were the sets. Other than that it was trash though, with terrible dialogue and bad pacing. Frustratingly, I can see a great sci-fi story in here - it was just executed terribly.

                         

The Maze Runner: 31.6

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

                    

I'm slightly stunned, to be honest. I had heard it was bad, and so hadn't bothered watching it in any hurry (waiting until 8 years after it's release) but still... I can't believe THIS is cannon, while so much cool stuff isn't.

And that's coming from someone who consistently rates anything 'Star Wars' quite a bit higher than it sometimes deserves, for the nostalgia and because I just love it all so much. But this didn't even feel like it was part of the same universe. Seriously, it's like comparing a cave painting to pointilism, or John De Hart to William Shakespear.

                 

              

The characters are so flat - this horrible animation style (honestly only slightly better than the kind of shit I was producing after a year in college) doesn't help, as it gives them 0 range for expressions - but the dialogue is also just so stilted. Admittedly that was a problem with much of the prequels, but it's even worse here. The plot is way too thin to be a movie length TV episode, let alone be shown in theaters. The battle scenes were busy, but lacked punch, and a lot of it felt off. The weight of characters and objects, for instance, or muscle movement. Someone running would just come to an abrupt hault, someone lashing out with a lightsaber would move it to its destination, then stop without any slow-down. These are basic principles on animation here, people!

It's like George Lucas hates us or something. I genuinely don't understand how anyone thought this was a good idea, how people watched the finished product and were like "yep, that'll do". Seriously, don't bother watching this. Even if you're trying to introduce a child or an idiot to the franchise, don't let them start with this. Just watch the movies in the order they were made and leave it at that, alright? Maybe watch the christmas special for shits and giggles.

              

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: 12.5

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

              
I remember being at a party when I was about 8 (not a crappy kids party, a good party), and everyone was sitting around watching this film and drinking and smoking. My dad said that the scenes with Frodo struggling with the descision to put the ring on are representative of his struggles with chastity, to a great amount of laughter. At the time I was mostly concentrating on what kinds of bugs were wriggling out between the roots (it was that scene in the wood with the Nazgûl on a horse, just after they've left Hobbiton) and on not breathing in too much smoke, but I remember feeling vaguely confused by the joke, and thinking it extremely grown up. Now it mostly just reassures me that, yes, I am actually funny sometimes. I'm not telling that story to make any kind of point, it's just what I think of while watching that scene.

             

                    

Anyway, now that I've got the obligatory Todd VanDerWerff style talk-about-yourself paragraph out of the way (I do love Todd though, him and Zach have helped me through both 'The X Files' and 'The Twilight Zone' over on The AV Club ( and yeah, I realise that at the time of writing Todd no longer works for them, but at the time of your reading this Todd and Zach - and me - might all be dead, so fuck you)) we can get this review on the road (do you remember what I was talking about at the beggining of the paragraph? Don't feel bad, I had to back and check too).

So there's this wacky place called Middle Earth, and there's very clearly bad guys and very clearly good guys, and short dudes with beards, and giant eagles, and all kinds of crazy shit. But you don't even need to know that yet, because we're following a group of Halflings as they try to deliver a magic ring hundreds (or thousands or... I don't know how far) of miles to the cheery sounding Mount Doom, which is in Iceland.

Yup, it's going to be a real dirty ring-job.
              

            
There's very little I can say here that hasn't been said already. I do really like these movies, but I don't know every detail of them (I'd say I swing more towards sci-fi than fantasy), so I'm not sure how insightful I can be here, when it's a series that is so lauded by so many already.
First off: I enjoy the Shire. It's basically Cornwall (everyone is short and dumpy with big noses and curly hair, they smoke a lot and eat a lot, it's strangely disconnected from the outside world, everyone seems both super cheery and supitious of anyone who lives over the next hill, they all have bare feet etc) and I'm somewhat fond of Cornwall. The movie gets off to a slow start, but I enjoy watching the Hobbits go about doing Hobbit stuff, as not very much happens. Gandalf turns up, goes away, turns up, goes away, and we start our adventure... sort of. Lets just say that you can tell it's a big book.
The quest is epic and meandering, and there are few parts of it that I do not enjoy. Sure, some particular scenes can drag on a bit, but it's difficult to fault something that I've been watching over and over from a young age.
               

                   
That's the problem with this series (and several other, most notably 'Star Wars', the movies of which probably get about 20 more points than I'd give them if I was completely fair). It's all so familiar, I even remember a particular shot of a particular goblin that I like in the mines (the one with the big eyes), and its familiarity makes it difficult to judge fairly.
Trying very hard though: I liked most of the acting. My favourite character in this series is Saruman, and a lot of that is because of his fantastic portrayal by Christopher Lee (who was actually meant to play Gandalf, but whatever, he was great in this part anyway). The cinematography is also consistently fantastic, with nicely realised settlements/castles/ruins that mix well into the natural beauty of the landscapes and help to bring this world to life.
The main complaint I have here is that the story feels broken up, and sort of has two endings. It starts oddly, with the pacing all over the place, then picks up and seems to come to a sad conclusion once they leave the mines and Gandalf apparently dies. But... then we're off again to fight Uruk-hai and are treated to Boromir dying (classic Dean Bean) and that kickass fight between Aragorn and Lurtz (you know that bit where Lurtz throws his knife at Aragorn? I heard that he was actually meant to throw wide, but in a take he acidentally threw it right at him, but he deflected it with his sword - and then it made it into the movie). The pacing or odd story composition never really bothered me when i was younger, and to be honest it doesn't bother me now, but I do that it's a flaw.
                  

                  
Oh yeah, and you know that bit at the end where Sam is chasing Frodo out into the river, even though he can't swim? Yeah, apparently Sean Astin cut his big hobbit foot really badly during filming that bit.
               
This isn't my favourite 'Lord of the Rings' movie, but it is my second favourite... third favourite. Second favourite. Also, it was a massive part of my childhood, and I'll love it forever.
                   

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring: 89.2

Fantastic Voyage

           

One of those all-time classics that has been spoofed so many times that I effectively already knew the entire plot before my first viewing. 'Fantastic Voyage' takes us on a lavish and self-serious adventure into inner space - the human body. It was directed by Richard Fleischer (and the book of the film, which fixes many of the plot holes, written by Isaac Asimov!) and stars Stephen Boyd, Edmond O'Brien, and Donald Pleasence. And Raquel Welch.

That's what turns a mediocre voyage into a fantastic voyage!

          

          

First, I'd like to mention the opening titles. They're awesome, and so sleek and imaginatively done that if I to have guessed I would say that they were from a movie from the late 70s or 80s. Shots of medical equiptment with overlays of timers and such, set to tense ticking music that as the titles are typed out. It all fits perfeectly together, and immediatey got my attention.

My attention remained, though it was strained occasionally, throughout. At times the pacing is slow, but this is understandable as its such an old movie. The shots are all beautiful, which makes up for it. In fact; every set is so well done, the design is excellent, and the moving parts come together nicely. Once we enter into the body the effects used become a little iffy to modern eyes, but still hardly laughable. A lot of these sets were really built, and many of them were HUGE. Like, seriously, as big as they look in the movie? That's how big they were. Football pitch sized things, often.

             

           

And while there are a few plot holes, they're mostly to do with the whole leaving shit behind that's going to expand thing. The actual anatomy stuff is spot on (and the details left out were left out because they hadn't yet been discovered). It was fun seeing them shoot along through an artery and land on a mass of skin cells. The factual exposition gets a little clunky now and then, however.

Other than that though the acting is fairly flawless. Some lines are mumbled and some of the monologues seem a little jerk-offy, but overall the script and the actors were spot on. A seriousness pervades the movie, in the acting and the story. It could have been played as a goofy drama, but with all the Cold War elements it's more grounded, which I think worked to the movie's benefit.

          

Fantastic Voyage: 73.0

Jurassic World

                        

The fourth installment/the reboot of the 'Jurassic Park' series sees the park reopening on a larger scale and with iPhones. All the classic elements are back - a Tyrannosaurus, some unrealistic raptor shit, a couple of irritating kids, and a heap of deaths a la dinosaur (I guess it should technically be "deaths by dinosaur, but "a la" has a certain ring to it, no?). The hook here is that there is a brand shiny new kind of dinosaur in the park! A genetically modified one!

                    

            

Eh. I'm doing my best here not to wear the rosy spectacles of childhood remembrances. Back when I had 'Jurassic Park 3' (I know, definitely not the best one), 'LOTR The Two Towers', 'Monsters Inc.', and nothing else, on cassette, and would watch all three repeatedly, even though the scene where the pilot dude got eaten out of the torn-open plane by the Spinosaurus always freaked me out - hell, even the lame Velociraptor in the dream sequence (Alan!) scared the crap out of me.

What I'm sort of trying to get around to saying is that a lot is added to this film if you're already deeply in love with its predecessors, which of course applies to many films (cough-starwars-indiannajones-thexfiles-dadsarmy-lordofhterings-ghostbusters-etc-etc-cough) ahem, sorry; I'm allergic to nostalgia.

Nah, I'm not. Nostalgia can get you a long way, it just can't make a movie all on its own (no matter how much fan service). And After a second viewing I maintain that 'Jurassic World' doesn't fully work.

                

                           
The acting is mostly fine, sometimes pretty great. I liked all the back and forth between the grizzled hunter character and the prim businesswoman character, but none of it felt particularly new. The effects were, of course, excellent, but it all looked a little too effecty at times, and maybe it wouldn't have hurt to use a few more of the ol' animatronics or even 'Walking with Dinosaurs'-style hand puppets (not the shitty movie, the original BBC docu-drama series). Despite this, many shots were downright beautifully shot, and purely visually wise it was a joy to watch.

But despite that it was watchable, even pretty enjoyable, right up until the end. I mean, WHAT?! So the Velociraptors gang up on the whateverthefuck-asaurus with a Tyrannosaurus, and then the big bad just randomly gets eaten by some massive Plesiosaur? It's a disappointment, I actually felt a little cheated. It's kind of like the ending of 'Avatar' where it turns out that nature comes to the rescue and renders any previous struggles meaningless. It's bad story telling, but it's bad story telling with characters that I love, damn it.

I don't like the treatment of the Velociraptors throughout, really. Their intelligence was already made a fuss of in the previous film, but now we slather it on with some nonsense about training them to run along beside a motor bike.

                 

I don't know, maybe I'm just being cynical, but I was underwhelmed. Um.. did I mention that the effects were good? Oh and I liked the helicopter-flying boss, I was sad when he died meaninglessly.

          

Jurassic World: 46.7

The Mummy

         

I loved this when I was younger. It's fast paced, with lots of action, and there was a fair amount of gore (kinda). Re-watching it in a motel room on one of those TVs with the big fat back, though, I see that it's aged nearly as badly as my surroundings.

There is almost no character development, and the acting is pretty horrible throughout. I do enjoy plot lines where the characters are all chasing one another about, but it's done a little too ridiculously here. The visual effects have also aged badly (though not as badly as the famed Dwayne Johnson-scorpion-centaur from the second one) to the extent that what used to freak me out a bit is now merely cringe inducing - see Stretch Armstrong mouth Imhotep below.

            

          
The actual mummy wasn't frightening at all, though his acting was alright, and the only element that I could imagine giving someone chills now would be the American guy who looses his eyes and tongue - something about the way that he wails when he first looses them and apologises when he spills a cup of tea still gets to me, as well as the somewhat disconcerting way that the director/writers chose to wrap these scenes up with a comedy bow. Perhaps that was to take the edge off, but I find it much more creepy because of it than it otherwise could have been.

Those scenes aside, 'The Mummy' really wasn't scary at all. There are several decent action sequences though, and at its best the movie manages to be something akin to one of the worse Indiana Jones movies (so the second or *shudder* forth one, then).

This still doesn't save the film from the bad acting though, even before little orphan Anny from 'The Phantom Menace' pops up in the second one and starts fucking with things. Also, I preferred the villainous couple to the heroic one, and rooted for them throughout. So yeah.

      

The Mummy: 34.5

Solomon Kane

             

This basically just felt like watching "Season of the Witch" again. I do not want to watch "Season of the Witch" again.

              

             

It shares the streaking plot and rampant animated effects usage of the other film, as well as a bland plot and poorly fleshed out characters. Basically what happens is there's this guy who ran away from home and became a dick, but then the devil told him that his soul was forfeit, so he went off to live in a convent. Then he got chucked out, for poorly explained reasons, and then made friends with some puritans and battled some evil guy who  turns out to be his brother and... yeah.

The acting isn't particularly bad, but the plot is far too convoluted and meandering, and the pacing is far too fast most of the time, with brief breaks of boring slowness. There are a few interesting creature concepts thrown in (I particularly liked the mirror monsters at the start) but everything is so poorly explained and all the back story-building dialog is so clunky. It's not completely terrible, but I do regret watching it.

      

Solomon Kane: 15.5