So yeah, I'm not going to bother doing the first one. This is the real gold, right here - and by "gold" I mean "steaming pile of shit".
Dear got that sound track. Are we really listening to this fast crappy music while watching midgets in costumes slowly walk through a wood? But that's only the beginning. So a kid with a pig nose has a weird sister, a dad with awesome hair, and a mother who looks like she was recently in a mental institution (because the actor who played her was). Oh yeah, also a granfather who is dead, but a ghost, and also a wizard who can stop time and do other crazy shit, but mostly doesn't use his powers even to save people because...
Yeah, uh, so then there are these goblins (trolls don't feature in this movie at all) who feed people green food or off milk to turn them into plants so that they can eat them. Oh and theres also a witch with a chainsaw and part of stone henge in her church, or something. Oh and the goblins can all turn into people with herpes, and regularly attend meeting in human form, where they all remind each other about how much they hate meat, and basically go over what passes for their backstory because...
Uh, yeah, so. It was funny? Unintentionally. It was not scary, that's for damn sure. Did I mention that the town is called Nilbog, and that the fact that this is "goblin" spelled backwards isn't revealed until towards the end, and is treated like some kind of big twist? Also, did I mention that the little piggy kid kills everyone with a double baloney sandwich and good thoughts?
Yeah, it's garbage. The director is Italian, and thought he knew how to make a good American style horror. Also his wife put all this bizarre anti-vegetarian stuff in there, and the script was translated from Italian with no changes made, and everyone talks like they don't actually understand English, and have just been told what sounds to make. The woman who played piggy's brother still refuses to put this movie on her IMDb because of how terrible it all is.
To be fair though, it really was fun to watch. It had the famous "They're eating her, and then they're going to eat me! Oh my gooooooooo" etc, as well as plenty of other hilariously weird stuff. Like the popcorn sex scene.
I really couldn't live with myself if I rated this movie highly, but it's not the worst thing I've ever seen, by stint simply of being hilarious.
God damn it, that one with the fucking eyes! I was on the floor.
Troll 2: 8.0