A thoughtless, stupid, hilarious, violent action flick. It boasts a cast packed with familiar faces - familiar for being in other dumb action movies (Danny Trejo, Steven Seagal, Cheech Marin, Michelle Rodriguez... you get the idea) as well as Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba, for some reason. None of these people can act, the script is terrible, the plot is so thin I think I could breath it, and the violence is massively absurd (disemboweling a guy and then using his intestines as a rope to escape out a fourth story window, a low-rider bouncing so high that it crushes a guy, high heel in the eye, you get the idea).
Amazingly, Robert De Niro is in it too, but he's trying so little that he's about as good as the rest of them.
For all the extreme stupidity, I kind of like this though. It clearly doesn't take itself seriously, and it manages to be funny quite often. The plot is basically this guy called Machete had his wife killed and then he tries to kill an American senator but its a set up and then... uh... well it ends up being a massive battle between Mexicans and Americans, anyway.
Most of the movie is litterally two sentances of dialogue, then some bloody action, a sex scene, two more lines of dialogue, and repeat. The music is hilarious too, switching between a loud heart beat as two characters talk seriously to sudden rock as a shootout suddenly happens and 70s porn music as Lohan randomly undresses again.
There seems to be some kind of political message too, and while I agree with it (their against that whole build a wall thing the Americans go on about) it's communicated so heavy-handedly that I wasn't sure if they were all just being sarcastic the whole time - though this would be giving the writers too much credit.
Machete: 12.3